Change

I know it's been a while since I posted. And I am aware that plenty of my previous posts have been whiney, cry baby posts about how awful things were, or how much I was hurting about situations that I didn't really explain fully enough for anyone to understand. Not even my closest friends or family knew the depth, nor the reasons behind what was going on with me.  

In retrospect I realize that I let my emotions get the better of me. In fact, I truly wasn't trusting the LORD through most of it. Instead of trusting Him and believing Him I kept saying "why me?" But the LORD kept on doing what He has always done for me, He kept on carrying me, holding me, wiping my tears, and whispering in my ear "Everything's gonna be alright". This is while I kicked and screamed and fought all the way. My faith became extremely frail, and I just couldn't see or believe everything would be alright. Maybe I didn't want to believe it. I don't know. 

As I watched long time hopes and dreams based on godly and biblical principles crash and crumble, I felt utterly hopeless. It was only when I realized that not every godly hope or dream is God's will for my life that peace began to root out the bitter ache in my heart. Once I knew, once I really knew it, Romans 8:28 came alive to me. God used it to sustain me when storms were all around me.

One dream that was smashed to smithereens had to do with our house. When we moved in I envisioned my children running, playing and growing up here, marrying, living near by, bringing the grandchildren, and having the house full all the time. This was in spite of my crying out to the LORD for Him to use my children, to send them where I cannot go, to reach those I cannot reach. Funny how illogical it is to me now. 

 Blow by blow my dream was beaten to dust, and my new concern was wondering what  I would do with all the empty space and quiet. And though I had often felt lonesome while my children were little, I was lonely for adult ladies to talk to, I realized that with the house so void of children, grandchildren and all the wonderful chaos they bring I would be lonely in a whole new way. I dreaded it. I feared it. 

I began to ask the LORD to use this house and fill it with company to ward off the lonely feeling. After all, being a mom for almost 26 years, and having 2 children still at home, it is natural for me to want to feed people. It is part of who I am today. But even as I prayed that prayer I sensed that that was not going to happen either.

Then I really got scared. I mean really truly scared. With our children growing up and leaving home, it was only a matter of time before it was just my husband and I here alone. No church except the two of us? If  I was barely coping now, what would I do then?  I felt as though I was losing my personality, and in a way, myself, due to our fellowship deprivation. Which is also how our children felt, and feel. 

Our family went through many trials before we had this home of our own. We worked tirelessly, and constantly to keep it clean and in good repair. But it also became a sore subject. As the children have left home one by one, the labor to do everything has slowly enslaved those of us left behind.

This is in addition to feeling so utterly alone and lonely that we/I feel as though we are just going to dry up, rot and die if something doesn't change. 

Once again the subject of selling the house came up, and this time we decided it was time.

When all our children heard the news, they were happy. They knew this was a long time in coming and a much needed change for our family.

Though I still hate the packing, sorting, and living out of boxes--we moved 13 times in 13 yrs, and 6 moves were relocations to other states--at least I have plenty of experience on how to do it.  The smartest thing we ever did with long distance moves was sell most of our big furniture. When we sold our living room set that was 20 years old I felt sad and sort of regretted it. But the only thing, so far, that I've cried about selling was my piano. That hurt. I learned a lot on that piano,and hated to play it and say goodbye.

In less than two weeks we will begin a new adventure in a new place. We know that this move is necessary and good for all of us. I am sure that there will be plenty of things I will miss. I'll miss the cool summer nights, and the mountains when the leaves change in the fall, and watching the countryside gradually turn green in spring, and the soft quietness of snow,  and I will miss my house. But except for a few moments of wondering if we are out of our minds, and thinking that we are either doing the best thing ever or we are making the biggest mistake of our lives, I  feel as if a humongous burden has been lifted from us.