It's been a few days, and we have spent many hours on the phone with J. As the quiet son, it is hard for talkative parents to get much out of him, and for him to get his thoughts out. This morning, after yet another restless night praying off and on as the hours passed, I am unable to shake off my misgivings about where he is choosing to go. Much of these are borne from his own comments against the place, for a variety of reasons, including doctrine. I know I should be happy that he wants to get into the Word, and learn, and get training for the ministry. I wish we felt as though we were sending him out of our home with our blessing. If not for the doctrinal issues, and his own fault-finding, we might have been able to do this. I know I am just babbling but I really need to vent to someone about this. We are all pretty burnt out from the trials of life we've been dealing with. I am holding onto Rom. 8:28 for dear life, again. I am so thankful for the precious promises of God in His Word.

Earlier today we learned how we are percieved by someone and that has filled in many gaps for us. It explains the why behind the feeling of being tolerated that we have during visits. That is hard to take. And it is pretty humbling, and humiliating to know that people feel justified to point out things in your life, when they don't really know you at all.

Please pray for our family. Pray for my husband as the head and father of this family--for wisdom and grace, and that all the fruits of the spirit would be manifested in his life for all to see; for me that I will be able to keep it together until we get over this wave that is over my head right now, that I will be able to forgive the hurt and pain inflicted by people involved, and not hold a grudge against them for their judgement of us; for our children that they will be grow to be godly men and women giving their very lives in service to God, and will not allow the failings of their parents, and the stupidity of our mistakes, mar them or cause them to grow bitter towards us, or others.

I feel like a part of my private life has been invaded, and trust that was broken will take many years to restore. God is able to heal the brokenness. My heart is broken. I am extremely hurt and upset by the revelations of this afternoon.

And I am feeling betrayed by some I love deeply because they have misplaced their loyalty.

Pray for me. Pray for us. God has blessed us greatly and He is good to us, and I know that in the end we will see the good in this occurrance, but at the moment the wounds are too raw for me to feel anything but resentment, pain, fear, uncertainty, anger. Though it would do me no good at all, I want to hang someone out to dry, royally. Pray for me. Pray for us.